Family
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Begin
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Wedding
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Prenuptial Agreement
Influence of Religion
Life
in
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Life in Tunisia
Typical Problems
Hints for Relationships
Questions
and
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Checklist
Typical
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Help
and Service
| Precautions
against Bezness are possible and even can offer a good protection, if
only it starts early enough - sort
of like with a dentist....
Moreover, in selection methodsone should not be too choosy and
not let oneself guide too much by "western thoughts".
In Tunisia, there is a principle that one is never confident with
people whom he does not know - one is suspicious of them until they
proof to be trustworthy. Instead of the approach in most western
countries, where it is "innocent until proven guilty", in Tunisia it is
rather "suspect until proven innocent".
This behavior is not "backward" or "unjust", but simply arises from a
healthy caution about anything that is unknown - a precaution which is
only not used extensively anymore in some Western societies, because
there, a strong state protection for ignorant / helpless people exists.
In a society, however, where the members have more to rely on
themselves and their judgement and the state has a lower penetration of
the social structures, the conditions are different.
It is there rather expected in many situations, that one keeps
the
eyes wide open oneself and uses common sense before calling for
assistance from the state.
As described elsewhere, the Tunisian society and community is organized
like onion peels - this organisation has a high impact on
daily
life and restricts personal freedom, but on the other hand, also
protects one from the influences of others.
For example, when entering into a relationship, it
is completely
normal that the families will investigate the backgrounds of each other
and inquire specifically the economic backgrounds
and moral
integrities of the partners.
Later, the fmailies will constanly monitor the lives to make
sure that there not any "deviations" of the norm.
Tunisians spend a significant amount of their communication on
exchanging status messages about themselves and persons of their area
of interest (family), which eventually creates the situation that
family members almost always know where to find other members and what
they are doing.
An "escape" from this close-knit informal network is possible, but it
will also result in negative social sanctions.
While most western countries believe in that you must trust another to
gain trust, in Tunisia, it is "trust is good, but control is better".
A western person who enters into a relationship with a tunisian, must
foremost get rid of the "western thinking" and adapt to the
conditions that are common in Tunisia. And this is, unspokenly, even
expected by the Tunisian partner.
Of course, every Bezness person is aware that a westerner does not know
much about the social norms of Tunisia and has no "eyes"
(family,
trusted friends) in Tunisia - and this will be exploited.
In particular, a tunisian bezness person will demand that the westerner
trusts him and he eill assure him that "western social norms" are also
valid in Tunisia.
He might stress, that he himself is "progressive" and "modern"
and thinks just exactly the same way, as the westerners do.
However, this is, if not an outright deliberate deception, at least a
self-deception of the Tunisian part, because he will never be able to
grasp the ideas and values of a western society without having lived in a western
society
for some time - not to mention even that each western country is
different from the other and that there is no such thing like one
"western country", the same way as there is no one "arabic country".
And, vice versa, the same is true as well - so it is
important
that westerners who want to initiate a relationship with a Tunisian,
research information about the country thoroughly and from independent
sources (rather than just from what a boy- or girlfriend is telling
them).
And they should not hesitate to apply methods that allow them to make
up for their disadvantage or that put them on par with their partners
- most notably, inquire about them with
third parties
and try to build a network by which they are kept current on actual
developments. |
This is, of course, not
always possible, and this disadvantage can be compensated only by
special caution and awareness.
Again
- this has nothing to do with "lack of confidence", but rather
is customary and expected behavior. And
only those who want to hide something will protest against it - for the
others, it is just a natural caution which is absolutely normal in
their society.
ince the below hints are
almost certainly also read by interested parties
from and in Tunisia, they can only serve as examples - the reader will
get the
idea, though, and can then plan for a personal strategy.
- Never
talk about your payroll, your personal property or situation -
if asked, only give vague answers!
Ideally, you position yourself as a non-wealthy person living together
with a roommate in a little apartment and the holiday is a result of
many months of strict saving.
A tunisian man in Tunisia is, without any exceptions, required by law
to provide for his wife. All enquiries by a tunisian man into the
wealth and income of a western woman will only be made to estimate the
"value" of this woman and of a possible relationship with her.
>>
In the
relationship with a tunisian
woman, it is not so easy because,
according to Tunisian law, the
tunisian husband is obliged to provide for his wife, without
any buts
and ifs -
if a woman then inquires about his assets, is does not have to be a
sign of Bezness, but the woman only wants to make sure that he can
offer a "secure existence". The man should, however, present himself as
a "normal" worker with an income just sufficient to provide for a family
Note: Even when she is married, the Tunisian woman normally retains her
salary for herself, the man is always obligated to pay for his wifes
proper living conditions.
- Under
no circumstances, tell the potential husband that you could or would contribute to the costs of
the wedding ceremony or the ticket cost for the flight to Europe!
The woman should also express her ideas of a wedding gift
from her husband.
The financing of the wedding party in Tunisia is the up to the man - he
or his family will even take out loans for a proper wedding; the ticket
costs for flights to Europe and obtaining the visa should also be
solely be imposed onto him.
A Tunisian man who is serious with a woman, will never
ask or even accept money from her, but save, even on a low wage, the
money for the wedding.
Golden jewelry Gifts (ring, bracelet, etc.) as a gift
to the woman at the engagement AND the wedding are absolutely normal
and fully expected by the bride and her parents, since
they express the value of the bride.
>>
In a
relationship with a Tunisian woman, things are exactly the opposite -
it is expected that the man pays for all expenses, because it is common
custom - and, actually, he even has to provide the housing and the
furniture.
A western man has here therefore a definite disadvantage...
- Learn the Tunisian
language!
..and don't show it - in
almost all cases,
"Bezness" can be unveiled by
simply listening to the conversations of the man with his friends,
family members etc., not only , when they are unaware that you
understand what they are talking about.
| - Never
leave behind valuable items at the end of the holiday "until the next
time",
which
specifically relates to computers, cameras, telephones and personal
papers.
This will result in an unspoken obligation to return,
something,
that one later does not really want anymore - not to mention the risk
that, even when one returns, one might never see the things again.
- Point
out good relationship to your family!
It is absolutely normal in Tunisia, to counsel with the family and get advice
from them.
If you show, that your relationship to your own family is very close,
it gives the signal that you are not am "easy" target and it might not
be enough for a man to convince you, but also possibly your father,
brother or uncle.
>>
In the
relationship with a Tunisian woman, the man can always assume that the
males of her family will ask for an interview and their recommendation
for the woman will depend on this interview.
- Always,
in a closer relationship, demand to see the ID card (Carte
Identité Nationale)!
Every
tunisian citizen must have the CIN on them at all times.
This offers the possibility of obtaining and verifying the real name
and birth date - because both are used very flexible in talks in
Tunisia ( "Artist name", "Nickname").
If then, at a later date, a problem should rise up, you will have at
least the guarantee that you know the real name and dat of birth.
Relationships to young persons: The age of adulthood in Tunisia is 20
years - relations to
younger persons should generally be avoided!
Info: Men below 35 may, and usually will, be drafted for a year of
mandatory military
service in Tunisia.
- If
you have the opportunity, talk to other Tunisians!
Tunisians know their fellow countrymen quite well and in most cases,
someone will feel honored to give you his opinion about a relationship.
And even if
one should not
rely on such an opinion, it might give you hints and/or
confirms suspiciouns and helps to become more aware and
cautious.
You should not talk with people, though, who are in close contact with
the person in question. Rather consider to talk to Taxi drivers,
apartment landlords, etc. - they see a lot and have lots of experience.
This also applies to the ubiquitous policemen, which might, on an
explicite demand, even suggest sometimes to be "careful" with an
acquaintance!
- Do not shy away from a
"loyalty test"!
In such a "loyalty
test", a friend, acquaintance, or professional agency
will try to start up a relations ship with the target person by using
SMS, instant messaging, telephone or even a "random" personal meeting.
To put it
quite clearly - such a test will succeed in more than 90 of
100 cases and show that the target person will, without big problems,
engage in another relationship as well.
The hope of "But mine is different" will then turn out, within a short
time, to be just a dilusion, and this will be quite a disappointment -
but it will save the person from an even bigger disappointment and
significant emotional and financial loss later.
And even when the assignment of an agency might cost 50 of 100 euros,
this sum is, compared to a possible, even very likely, loss of
thousands later, well invested.
In certain cases, it will even make sense to seek the assistance of
investigation agencies - again, it can save huge amounts of money and a
lot of emotional distress!
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